I’m in a relationship ya’ll. Yep. Yep. Finally. I love my Shnuggah Wuggah and all of his wonderful attributes. I believe one of the beautiful benefits of being in a relationship is both parties, in more ways than one, help to sculpt and make each other better. With that said, I have been learning some new things about myself. For starters, I’m crazy af. So being crazy in a relationship has led me to thinking: Is this heathy? Can we sustain with my crazies? Are my crazies a hinderance to a building a healthy partnership? Lastly, should I go through that phone or no?
Crazy– Adjective| 1. mentally deranged, especially as manifested in a wild or aggressive way. 2. extremely enthusiastic.
synonyms : mad, insane, demented
Testimony: I am compelled to begin this piece by explaining the following: I am not crazy in the deranged sense of the word. Yes, sure–and I speak for myself as well as many other women who feel me here— I am not opposed to popping up when least expected. I will tap on windows late in the evening if my calls are not returned. I will call non-stop until I receive confirmation of my partner’s living status and whereabouts. I will use his finger when sleeping to break into his jailbroken phone. (Apple thought they had one–ha!) I will cyber stock him and his ex (you never know). I can be extremely possessive. To make matters worse, there is a gang of women just like me prepared to ruin your life on my command, but hear me when I say: my actions are nothing more than behaviors learned from past experiences.
Women are not “crazy”, we are hyper loving and nurturing beings whom have been taught by life that love matters are not a place to be vulnerable or unguarded. Love matters are reasons to protect your heart by any means necessary, for most of us have had our fragile hearts ran over, stomped on, pulled out and tossed in a game of hot potato, man-handled, and violated. These various scenarios have taught us trust wears thin and love can be short lived, and so it is best to love with a case around our feelings, so that we do not run the risk of being hurt again. So, if I am crazy, it is only a wall used to protect the heart I used all of my remaining strength to put back together after it was broken. Despite all of the pain I have endured and the strength I have accumulated throughout these experiences, I—-we, still have the courage to love again. And we do. This time with an arsenal. However, all battle materials are not necessary.
Break it down, B:
I am not ashamed of my behavior, don’t get it twisted. I do; however, question the health level of some of my actions. When I first got into my new relationship, the first crossroad was revealed. He left his phone in the room next to where I was–unattended. He went to the bathroom, so his phone began to taunt me. “Open-me,” it says. “He’s not here,” singing in a nightmarish manner. “I know you want to know if he is playing you. Go ahead. See for yourself.” “He only gave you his password as a ploy. See if he is really the man he presents himself to be.” So off rip, I am tested. Should I slide through his phone or no? This question is one many women ask themselves when getting into new situations. I did not, but to each his own.
My decision not to sneak through his phone stemmed from the following beliefs. First, I had to learn to trust the man I had recently chosen. I strategically chose to commit to a man who has exhibited trustworthiness in more ways than one. I had to trust my decision. Second, going through his phone would have only been evidence that I still had trust issues from my past relationships. Sure, I had been with men who played me like 2K17, but that was not him. His actions did not lead me to question his trustworthiness. It was the part of me that was not healed, afraid, and insecure which taunted me when he was away. I’m learning. When in relationships one must trust themselves, their value, and most importantly the God of which they follow. We should trust the divine spirit whom we asked to lead us to relationships which will prove to be healthy and advantageous to our lives.(Proverbs 3:5-6) Even in these matters, when we ask God for his/her will over our lives, and s/he provides us with unexpected relationships with good people, until the creator gives us distinct reason to walk away, it is our obligation to trust it. It is best to leave our wounds and insecurities where we left them–in the fuckin’ past.
“As long as black folks normalize loss and abandonment, acting as though it is an easy feat to overcome the psychological wounds this pain inflicts, we will not lay the necessary groundwork for emotional well-being that makes love possible.” –bell hooks (Salvation: Black People and Love)
- Fear is the antithesis to love.
- Long as God got us, then we gon’ be alright.
- Trust yourself. Trust love.
Salute: I wanna be with you, aye.
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Be love. Work your talents. Together we can spark a love pandemic.