So, I’m 17 weeks pregnancy, or was at the time this post was written. I’m currently 23 weeks. Yes. He’s coming fast, but I digress. One of the motifs of this experience was fear with a special side of being afraid of people knowing. It took me months to tell family, framily, and friends. The underling reasons for my privacy were not positive, but after thinking about faith, I quickly got over my concerns and began celebrating.
17 weeks into this thing and my co-workers were buzzing. Two days ago after having a conversation with two co-workers about something unrelated, one of them goes, “you can’t stress because we have to keep that baby happy.” Mortified and surprised, all I could do was laugh. She asked, why are you laughing. Me: I haven’t been telling anyone. Her: I thought everyone knew. Second lady: smiling, yes, ma’am you’ve popped. That is when I realized I was showing. It was weird. I noticed my belly growing, but ultimately when I look in the mirror, I didn’t see any major changes. Depending on my clothing, there is no evidence all together.
A few days later, after using the bathroom another co-worker goes, “when are you due?” At this point, the cat is all the way out the bag. Previously, I noticed the direct stares at my torso. I felt like I should randomly sing “Love on Top” at bus duty, drop the mic, and rub my baby bump for confirmation. That might be much, but why am I so afraid to share my good news? Most women need no reason at all to share, but me I’m Beyonce with the information.
Break it down, B:
Reason 1: I was afraid my administration would switch my classes.
After 4 years of teaching, I’ve paid my dues and I feel so blessed to finally be teaching the courses I always wanted. Two courses are advance year long literature classes. The other is English 4, or 12 grade English. All seniors. Stress, but no real worries or behavioral issues. I felt blessed especially because I know I will need as little stress as possible during the final months of my pregnancy. Yet for some bizarre reason I’m worried my administration will take the courses away from me due to maternity leave.
Reason 2: There is no ring on my finger.
Now, I know this reason is judgmental toward myself, but the reality is, I always imagined being married first and having the entire package. While my love, partner, and at this point baby’s father is very much in the picture our relationship is secure and strong, and my ring could already be hidden in the house somewhere, it initially bothered me that things were happening backwards from my own plans.
Reason 3: I don’t think there is a reason 3.
On the contrary, as I’m writing this, I feel answers to my worries. In reference to reason 1, I used the phrase, “I am blessed” to finally get to teach the classes I always wanted. I also discussed the perfect alignment between my pregnancy and having a less stressful workload. I’m not one to believe in coincidences, so the fact God has provided stressless classes proves s/he is already working on my behalf. Second, if I feel blessed to have the course after all my hard due paying work, I should not expect the blessing to be taken away. God is in the blessing business not the opposite. Since the original draft of this post, I have even been promoted to lead the English 4 team and write the curriculum for the entire year. God is working. It’s up to me to trust the process.(Matthews 6: 33-34)
In reference to reason 2, in time my vision will come together. I rather continue to cultivate something real than, be married for obligation, or be married too soon, have children, become unhappy, and pay divorce lawyers and court a grip. In the meantime, eff it, life happens, and quite frankly the joy I feel to be giving life outweighs my self-inflicted shame
Lastly, ain’t no hiding. The baby is happy and telling it all. With that, I will say it loud. I’m bumping and I’m proud.
Unbow your head sister.from, If Beale Street Could talk
- We only worry when faith is absent.
- God’s plan, is the plan.
- Oh what a joy it is to live.
Thank you for reading!
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