I used to be resistant to the idea of being in a long-term, committed, and deep relationship. Why? Basically, my old mindset convinced me if I was in a relationship it would deter and distract me from accomplishing my goals and dreams. Now, however, I realize balancing the intimate relationships that come with life are possible even while getting yours as a woman.
Balance– Noun|an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady.
Today, one of my best friends brought up the subject of bucket lists. I wrote one when I was in college, and I had not looked at it since. My bucket list features some extreme activities, but for the most part, it hosts my ultimate long term goals. I was inspired to look it today, and realized I was able to cross 8 items from my list. Those tasks include items such as traveling to three countries, getting my master’s degree, and other things which would deem inappropriate to list were crossed off. And I thought, “Wow. I did these things with my Shnuggah.” The topic and content for this blog piece has been manifesting for week, but it seems it has come full circle.
In a sense, I was operating on a the notion that in order to gain power (Capital, money, clout, vision, goals, etc), I had to denounce my craving for love because I assumed it would inevitably distract me from my purpose, relationship with God, and ultimately my goals. This school of thought was actually birth from my own personal habits. I had the tendency to drop and/or lose myself when in a relationship. My own priorities, dreams, and needs would be put by the wayside in an effort to nurture my relationship. Patriarchy and other examples taught me to lose yourself in order to meet the needs of your loved ones to include children and partner was the portion for women. This was youthful thinking. Now, I realize having it all–your dreams and your man is possible with the right ingredients.
Break it Down, B:
The OG relationship and goal getting baddies of the world can contest the process of having love and goals is not a simple one. However, it is only attainable if you consider the following ingredients.
- The Right Partner– Hear ye Hear ye. While there is no such thing as
the perfect man, for we are all always growing and evolving, there is a such thing as the perfect man for you. And what I mean by this is, the man who fits you, your needs, and desires. There will always be growing pains in a relationships, but if you know, you are a go-getter on the move with goals and dreams and vision, your partner must not only be supportive, but balance you in such a way that the other parts of your life do not have to suffer and all parties involved are happy. You can have a supportive partner, but if he is mentally and/or spiritual draining, you probably won’t have the strength or will power to go for yours. Trust. I’ve been in unbalanced relationships before, and my grind was sadly interrupted.
2. Communication– Sometimes as women we get carried away. Things in our relationships seem to be running smooth, things are getting done, the children are doing great, and goals are getting accomplished, but in the mist of that we have a tendency to let our partners/spouses needs fall lower on the list of priorities. In other words, we forget to tend to the needs of our partners because life is, well, a lot. The opposite can also occur. From the male perspective, the routines of the joint lives seem to be running smooth, and yet our partners are missing something.
In this time and the time prior, it is important to communicate with our partners. We must learn to communicate our needs, our expectations, our standards, our schedules, our desires and everything else in order to maintain lasting relationships that accommodate goal getting. When the communication lines are clear, we are better able to meet all the needs and dreams of the parties involved while staying connected.
3. Common Mission/ Values- This ingredient is relative to you and your partner. It is necessary, nonetheless. Both of you must share a common mission and /or values. A common mission refers to an overarching goal set between you both. For example, raising self-sufficient children, saving money, traveling, owning a business, being happy, etc. The mission is up to you both. However, it must be something you both believe in, so you both will be more inclined to work together to achieve it. Maybe the goal is for you both to own and operate successful businesses because ownership and building wealth is important to you. Cool. Now that the common mission is established, you both can do your part to ensure it is successful.
Common values are also important. You going for yours will be easier when you have a partner who is also ambitious so they understand. Ambition, focus, and patience, are the common values which make it easier for your partner to understand why doing things are important to you. Otherwise, you will always be explaining yourself or maybe even feeling guilting for wanting to do something in relation to your dreams.
4. Prioritizing– I have heard the OG Family Oriented Goal Getting Baddies say this multiple times on multiple occasion. There is actually no such thing as balancing family life, or in our case relationship life (the children are not here yet) and goal-getting life. The love and the work just must be done. From what I understand, the attempt becomes a marathon of doing what needs to be done and prioritizing the order of importance. What that means for us, is we must decide what aspects of our lives are important, and act accordingly. For example, my relationship and soon to be family legacy is important to me. This means, I’ll have to make that part of my life a priority. This means, I must put in the time necessary to cultivate it. The same duty applies to my goals.
The truth is, and patriarchy, feminism, and the media will avoid promoting this truth, but the truth is goal getting and vision building is actually easier with a partner. There’s an African proverb that says, “if you want to go fast, go alone, but if you want to go far, go together.” Rafiki was referring to you and your man. I’ve worked for my goals in my single hood and in my togetherness, the truth is that I have grown more, achieved more, and found myself more at peace in the togetherness.
Now, there are two sets of hands, eyes, ears, and feet working toward a common goal. Now, when something needs to be done in the house that I cannot get to because there is a paper due, I know my partner will be there to pick up the task and vice versa. We are even more powerful working together to build than we are alone. There is nothing more encouraging then the support and love of your partner.(Hebrews 10:24-25) Nor is there anything more important in life than enjoying the journey with the people you love. With that, I revoke the mindset that I am better alone. The truth is I am twice as good in my relationship.
If we remain unable to imagine a world where love can be recognized as a unifying principle that can lead us to seek and use power wisely, then we will remain wedded to a culture of domination that requires us to choose power over love.bell hooks, Communion, The Female Search For Love
- We get more accomplished as a team.
- Effective communication is imperative when making a relationship work.
- Finding the right one is the right move.
Thank you for reading!
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